Handler's Romney Rant

Note: This is written by my buddy Handler [baby Jesus's own seed, as he said he wants to be referred]. I thought it was pretty badass, so he said I could put it up.

Ok, I haven't had the opportunity to rant in awhile. I'll get to the point in awhile.

I have this weird fucking feeling the Republicans are going to give this election a surprise run for its money. Why would I say that when this idea opposes much of the media (read: dumb public) is saying about the election as it stands now? Well, it comes down to Mitt Romney. Stick with me here.

The Republicans will probably lose a significant number of seats in the House, and a few in the Senate. Congress has really pissed people off since November; approval ratings have been consistently in the teens for many months. The new Democrat Congress is also leaving a sour taste in the mouths of many voters. As you’ll see in a bit, that may not matter in the presidential race.

This is the unfortunate side-effect of a politically euthanized citizenry; most of you have no idea how Congress and voting work, let alone politics as a whole. There is NO REASON for the Republicans to allow legislative progress through November. They can’t get the votes needed to pass their policy (because so much of it sucks…honestly). So what better way to level the playing field to ignorant voters than by blocking any progress the Democrats could make as well? It’s like when you were a kid and went completely limp so your mother would have to pull you across the floor (with little realization that those events were the exact reason she, twenty-some years later, has to have back surgery and is in nearly constant pain [you ruined your mom’s life, fuck you]). To the Republicans, if no one is able to make progress, the guy in charge looks like a fuck for not ‘reaching across party lines.’

Well, how you reach across party lines is with a fun game of carrot and stick; either you earn good will by helping the opposing party pass pieces of their agenda or you smack them with threats with power reserved by the Constitution for the party in charge. Dems could bust out some ‘you lose your important committee seat’ but look at it (along with other ‘tricks’), the Republitards just lost their majority along with those positions of power less than 8 months ago…they don’t give a fuck now. So the only way for the Democrats to court them is by asking to help pass their bullshit agenda in exchange for votes on mission-critical bills.

Well, no Republican Senator wants to go home to Kansas and say, “hey, vote for me. In this last year I passed a 1% tax break on mountain dew…I know how you fat fucks love caffeine”. (He’d still probably win on that alone) No, instead they’ll sit on their hands and watch the American public twist in the wind while their Democrat opponents fight to get out the message that ‘it’s not our fault.

Ultimately, in Congress, it won’t matter. Dems will get more seats because most voters don’t know a fuck about Congress so just vote to vote. Since the Bush administration has sucked so badly, they’ll naturally vote for a Democratic Congressperson/Senator, but that won’t be the case in the presidential race.
No, the Presidential race will be a far different creature. This is Rove at his best…we should all be afraid. Before we get to that…

The Bush Administration has significantly hurt their party through bad policy, ignorance, and living in a shroud of darkness. Yet, this is nothing compared to the truly criminal activities that we know nothing of. It is these secrets that, if revealed, would bring the Republican Party crashing to their knees.

No-bid contracts are a motherfucker on their own. (Giving a single, politically allied company government funded contracts [like all of Iraq], effectively shutting out any competition) The things that the administration is keeping a super-tight hold on now are things many will take to their graves. This is how politics has always worked (look at JFK or Watergate), but never at such a detriment to our own citizens. There is not a single doubt in my mind, gazing quietly from outside the dark secrets that live exclusively in that grey matter shared between Cheney and Rove, that crimes rarely imagined have occurred.

How can I feel so strongly about something I, along with many others, simply cannot prove…yet? The Gonzalez affair is a good place to start. How could any Republican administration believe it to be in the party’s interest to maintain complete confidence in a man in charge of our American legal system…after breaking the law? It would seem pretty simple to let that ‘crook’ resign and distance yourself as thoroughly as politically possible. No, there are dirty little secrets that would come out if the administration lowered its ‘executive privilege’. These would hurt the party worse than just being the ‘asshole in charge’.

Now I find it hard to believe that this investigation (Gonzalez-gate) could act as the window to the real dirty secrets of the administration. I think this is simply an easy façade; “hey hate us for this, no need to dig deeper…if you do, you’re soul-sucking assholes”. They ride the Gonzalez train for awhile, he steps down, investigation fizzles with a few nasty incitements. Then the newly installed attorney general lets things smooth over quietly (see: Scooter Libby) thus appeasing the push for congressional oversight while saving face with party loyalist. This is MUCH BETTER than allowing the time required for Congress to grow balls and get the big criminal picture. And it is there but we won’t ever know -- that’s the magic of information management. It’s easy to believe that those who have the message are supposed to have the message…not a single other soul. (here’s another gut buster: things are leaked for reason…)

Today Rove announced his departure. For both sides it makes sense to distance themselves. Rove lost 2006 (apparently fucked up policy and worthless boy fuckers don’t matter much in the end) so party insiders wanted him out of this seat of influence. This is again simple posturing because once he’s out of the lime he’s back in the driver’s seat and all party insiders know this. It gives him a chance to abandon the sinking ship while his mind is still sharp (read: blatantly self-serving and perhaps schizophrenic). More so than anything this shields him further from any testimony that may go further than this attorney firin’. He can now operate behind closed doors and use his RNC email account all he likes.

Rove has another big idea but this time he’s thinking way outside the box. That is until a few months from now when the pieces I’ll describe in a bit all start falling together. I do say ‘well played’, turd blossom. The left is onto you though, better throw us another curve.

(an aside)

I think most of you who are politically active know this asshole (Bush) is a worthless human being. Good, you’re halfway there. Still, I think there is a big difference between being politically ‘active’ and actually knowing what the fuck is happening. So, before you discount me as some conspiracy theorists, go fuck yourself. (in the words of the soon-to-be-late Cheney). No, actually, I’m politically obsessed and I try my best to get outside the pretty snapshot that any party insider would deliver us in a neatly wrapped package.

Most people I know who ‘talk politics’ honestly do spend enough time reading the news and blogs to have enough clue to what’s going down to participate in political discourse. Yet, to me, most of you (no offense) are the same sheeple that blindly follow the same strain of bullshit that everyone else does. You’re just better because you put a little active interpretation into it, perhaps ask questions of the news you read, but that’s just about it. Fewer of you take information and cleanse it with a mental filter of wide-reaching media consumption and simple primary research (You do know, the same files that are available to journalists are available to you).
I think I fall under the later. Even so, the backdoor of information gets closed to the public in quantities beyond the furthest reaches of academic conquest. These people don’t leave paper or money trails (history repeats itself unless you learn from it *cough* Watergate). Sometimes you have to look at one’s actions to interpret their others. Why block Gonzalez information? Why use loopholes? Think harder.
(aside done, sorry for being so broadly offensive. Still, most of you don’t give a fuck about this country or the direction it’s heading. Keep those terrorists out, drink a Coors light, and fuck up the furniture you sit on…you god. damn. patriot. fat. fuck.

[sorry. I hate people who are granted talking licenses without ever considering how shit works before fucking it up worst. FUCK]

{2nd aside done}

Ok, you get the idea. I’m suspicious.

Today I was watching me some Wolf Blitzy and I saw Mitt Romney and it sparked a memory from the night before…I’ll layout the setting.

It was a good friend’s 27th birthday. I’m taking an extended break from drinking (school begins again soon…yeah…that’s it) so I’m watching all my buddies get fuck up. We’re all career academics so naturally politics will come up. One of the regulars has great ‘sheeple’ opinions: Properly liberal for the right reasons, but completely irrelevant in policy and political science. Fortunately, part of being an academic is sounding good and believing strongly in whatever that is you believe in – this she has accomplished.

We come along to the topic of Mitt Romney and one girl puts her fist down and says that she would not vote for a Mormon. It was repeated a few times. I don’t believe she’s actively religious but I may be wrong. I think she’s one of the rare anti-Romney’s who don’t like him because Mormons are actually more actively conservative than many evangelical (vs. the majority of ‘christians’ who hate on Romney believing the Mormon faith is sinful in its perversion and biblical deviation). Regardless, it brings about an interesting theory.

I don’t think I’m unique on theory; I’m quite sure it’s been spread around the so called ‘super-far left’. There are just as many nuts as are over on the right side…but less people pay attention to them. Hell, the Republicans have their biggest right-wing fat fucking kunt (I’m aware) on nearly every radio station in the nation…Limbaugh if you’re ignorant. We just have crap bloggers and the silent scientific community.

I will begin (haha in awhile)

So on the surface we can interpret that The Bush administration is hiding big things. These things are just a few layers under the surface. Deep enough that riding the Gonzalez thing for awhile will keep it hidden yet close enough to the surface to force amazing feats of political action and technique throughout the Republican Party. Look at it, they’ve found it MORE PROFITTABLE to hurt their own party than allow the next investigation to begin.

This is putting a serious hurt on the Republican’s base, specifically the moral majority. Christian voters are some of the most pointless, quietly power-hungry mother fuckers out there. They vote for republican candidates so their moral movements can gain political ground. That sounds ok, eh? Well no, you’re dumb. Western religions are a big business, they make a lot of money, and they execute extraordinary public power. Throw in the fact that those who actively participate in religious activity aren’t exactly keen to developing their own opinions so instead they follow the flock. You get a definite pool of 50 to 100 voters in a perish for whatever direction will ‘profit’ the church the greatest.

This profit comes in the form of tax breaks, federal monies for religious activities, active participation in political discourse and direction, and the all the attention one can muster for ol’ jesus. One of those ‘you rub my back, I rub yours’ sort of thing. They deliver the votes, they reap the benefits. We should be thankful Jesus teaches us to be so capitalistic.

So now Christians are shying away from Bush because he’s unpopular, he has little control over his party, and their criminal activity is calling to question the morality of this asshat…at least for the ones who aren’t just making money off him. They are disillusioned. They probably won’t vote in the primary. They obviously can’t vote for Dems but aren’t inspired to vote for a republican. That is, of course, unless they have an ace up their sleeve.

Let’s look at serious republican candidates (as satirically as I can): Rudy Giuliani hates marriage, thinks everyone should get abortions, loves immigrants -- but can shout 9/11 like a rock anthem; Mitt Romney is a Mormon, dumb women think he’s pretty and he speaks with some authority -- but he’s an ex-liberal New England governor and… sound it out: m o r m a n; McCain – dead in the water (for now); and the rest are relatively worthless.

Giuliani has attempted to reform his image, changing his stance on issues that’d push him away from the religious right and continuing to shout 9/11. This won’t hold up for them though. 9/11 has a nice ring but he kills babies with coat hangers. McCain won’t do, he’s too much like the self-destructing Bush. You’ll see, this theory is big…and it’s got to be if they want this white house. You may as well vote for a morman…

Finally:

Romney has been planted by the Republican Party, specifically Karl Rove. This has been in motion for years. The deep decisions about this year’s election were decided during the Kerry/Bush election. (Anyone who knows anything about corporate sustainability should see what’s happening here). They either courted Romney or just know better than to believe a Mormon could win and let him just do it on his own. So why plant Romney? Won’t that just disillusion the Christians?
HELL NO! Those knee-slapping bible totters will not allow this polygamist to have his 5 first ladies in the oval office. So Rove plants Romney foreseeing this. They exercise seemingly random political fodder and posturing so the race looks to be in the hands of the people. Then they twist a few nipples and all of a sudden Romney becomes a rather worthy force with lots of personal and donator money. He looks presidential but doesn’t fit just right. He can’t get the moral majority to rally behind them and they simply don’t operate when split. For now, they’re ignored.
They don’t like this, they remain disillusioned. They don’t plan to vote for the Primaries with these choices and that means they probably won’t vote in their (2000/04) numbers in the general.

Late breaking news: In walks a new guy…the GOP’s Clinton, if you will. Who is it? Well we have two very likely possibilities one of which could put a bad hurtin’ on Democrat chances (more on that in a bit). The first is candidate-elect Fred Thompson. He’s popular, he’s moral, he’s on TV, and he’s planted. This is someone the right-wingers could gather behind rather comfortably.

Christians see Thompson come in and now they have a viable candidate, who doesn’t kill babies or blindly follow criminals (bush admin) who can defeat that there polygamist. They rally behind him during the primary…and if you can rile a group up for the primaries…they’ll follow into the general. They have their church socials where they make Law and Order cakes and huff and puff about the next Ronald Reagan.

Fortunately progressive insiders know Thompson isn’t the next Reagan. His udder lack of substantive policy will make him an easy target in the general. Much like they want to face Clinton…we’d love to take on Thompson. Rove knows this more than anyone.
So who will gracefully fall into the race? The Clinton Killer Himself, Cletus Calls him the Southern Dannndddyyyy, and even the libertarians liked the one week without a federal government – Newt Gingrich. That worthless fuck has quietly said that if the party doesn’t pan out policy wise (IE…the religious right needs a few more weeks to stew) then he’ll step in to the race. Well no fucking crap he would. He’s loved up and down by those worthless fucks much the same way Bill Clinton is loved blindly by a lot of libs.

The church watches Gingrich’s entrance to the race and that night each minister, busily having a gay affair and doing meth, will get a visit from Jesus himself. ‘It’s time to inspire’, Jesus will begin, ‘do it for Farwell and do it for me.’ Easy as that Gingrich gets the Iowa vote and it’s smooth sailing from there. But after all their work in the primary it’d be foolish for the church to back off even though their boy is now in the big race. Of course not…now the entire party is united behind one jackass and BAM…Rove once again rises in political infamy.

This is all a big plan. All the pieces fit. Rove remains at the center. And the Religious Right will facilitate.