Zaveon's Struggle.

At The United Church of Jesus Christ of Apostolic Faith, a small Ravenna church on a back-road leading from Cleveland Road, about 200 are in attendance of a weekly sermon given by an impassioned The Rev. James Sanders.

In the dim light, Sanders paces back and forth on the bright red carpet with his microphone, delivering a sermon based on a passage from the Book of Hebrews.

“Praise God!” he shouts. “No matter who we were born to be … if God teaches you how to live right, how can you not with Him?!”

As he speaks, rounds of “Amen” and clapping come from the energetic crowd, although not all at once.

“Praise the Lord!”

Some people speak in tongues, rocking back and forth.

The choir sings as he speaks, although not all at once.

Today is an unusual Sunday service; today, a baptism will take place after the blessing.

Zaveon Cobbin, 6 months old, is to become a child of God today.

Although baptisms are fairly typical in the Christian faith, what makes Zaveon’s case atypical is that his torso is wrapped in plastic to protect his IV-connector for chemotherapy from infection.

His mother, Shinelle, is holding him.

And she’s wearing a surgical mask.

Zaveon’s grandmother, Michelle Cobbin, owner of the Christian Edwards Hair Salon on Summit Street, said he was born on Feb. 16 of this year, happy and healthy.

Then in August, he got a fever.

“His pediatrician said his nipple and stomach were a bit large, and he thought a hernia was coming on,” Michelle said. “We just took him back to emergency because he wasn’t getting any better.”

Michelle said the family initially thought he might be teething, which often brings on discomfort and fever, but, after it didn’t go away, they took Zaveon back to Akron Children’s Hospital.

“They said the second time that it looks like signs of leukemia … and then they ran tests,” Michelle said. “On Aug. 20, we took him in, and he was diagnosed with leukemia on the 26th, a week later … they put him in chemo right away.”

Specifically, Zaveon is diagnosed with juvenile myelomonocytic leukemia (JMML).

According to the National Cancer Institute’s Web site, www.cancer.gov, JMML is a rare form of the cancer, “accounting for less than 1 percent of all childhood leukemias.”

The JMML Foundation’s Web site, www.jmmlfoundation.org, says it affects 1.2 cases per million children each year, predominantly in infants. By gender, “boys are more affected than girls.”

If left completely untreated, the median survival time is one year. According to www.WebMD.com, “prognosis is related to age at the time of diagnosis … better in children younger than one year at the time of diagnosis.”

The most successful treatment discovered so far is bone marrow transplant, yielding a 50 percent survival rate with a compatible donor.

A coin flip.

Relapse rates are about the same.

Another coin flip. Call it.

Zaveon was in Akron Children’s Hospital for a month during his first chemo session.

“He was home seven days,” Michelle said. “He had to be readmitted on Monday, (Oct. 1). That allowed him the time he was home (so) he could be baptized.”

Michelle said he “seemed very well” on his visit home.

She said this has been a life-changing experience.

“This is so critical, we try to be with him as much as we can,” Michelle said, as she attended to a customer. “We do shifts because we have to work.”

After the blessing, family and community gather around Zaveon for his baptism.

Cameras flash. Relatives pray and hold hands.

Zaveon’s grandfather, Earnest, hands him off to The Rev. Sanders.

“In the name of Jesus, we ask that you touch this child!” The Rev. Sanders booms.

“I know he’s small now, and he may not understand this … Hallelujah!”

Zaveon is submerged into the baptismal water twice as the church fills with clapping and cheering.

His mother towels him off.

The gospel band cuts into another joyous, energetic tune.

Members of the church are helping to organize fundraisers and bone marrow donation drives to help Zaveon.

“We are (one big family at the church) God has truly blessed,” Michelle said.

A fundraiser and bone marrow donation drive will be held on Saturday, Oct. 20 from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. at Christian Edwards Hair Salon, located at 230 E. Summit St. in Kent. Another one will take place from 12 to 4 p.m. at The United Church of Jesus Christ of Apostolic Faith on Sunday, located at 6589 Terrill St. in Ravenna, on Oct.21.

Michelle said she has no doubts Zaveon will get better, especially with all of the community support her family has gotten since the diagnosis.

For her, the coin is one of those trick coins with both sides on heads. She said God didn’t call tails.

“We know Zaveon is already healed, it’s as simple as that,” Michelle said. “And we’re just going through the process; it is only a process Zaveon and my family have to go through, he’s in God’s hands.

“And it’ll be a story to tell Zaveon when he gets older, and he will get older, about how God’s hands healed him and to always trust and believe in God. That’ll be Grandma and Grandpa’s story to Zaveon once he gets older.”

Anyone living around the Kent, Ohio area who would like to help the family:

Send me an e-mail (tjacobs@kent.edu), and I'll see how you can help.

Handler's Romney Rant

Note: This is written by my buddy Handler [baby Jesus's own seed, as he said he wants to be referred]. I thought it was pretty badass, so he said I could put it up.

Ok, I haven't had the opportunity to rant in awhile. I'll get to the point in awhile.

I have this weird fucking feeling the Republicans are going to give this election a surprise run for its money. Why would I say that when this idea opposes much of the media (read: dumb public) is saying about the election as it stands now? Well, it comes down to Mitt Romney. Stick with me here.

The Republicans will probably lose a significant number of seats in the House, and a few in the Senate. Congress has really pissed people off since November; approval ratings have been consistently in the teens for many months. The new Democrat Congress is also leaving a sour taste in the mouths of many voters. As you’ll see in a bit, that may not matter in the presidential race.

This is the unfortunate side-effect of a politically euthanized citizenry; most of you have no idea how Congress and voting work, let alone politics as a whole. There is NO REASON for the Republicans to allow legislative progress through November. They can’t get the votes needed to pass their policy (because so much of it sucks…honestly). So what better way to level the playing field to ignorant voters than by blocking any progress the Democrats could make as well? It’s like when you were a kid and went completely limp so your mother would have to pull you across the floor (with little realization that those events were the exact reason she, twenty-some years later, has to have back surgery and is in nearly constant pain [you ruined your mom’s life, fuck you]). To the Republicans, if no one is able to make progress, the guy in charge looks like a fuck for not ‘reaching across party lines.’

Well, how you reach across party lines is with a fun game of carrot and stick; either you earn good will by helping the opposing party pass pieces of their agenda or you smack them with threats with power reserved by the Constitution for the party in charge. Dems could bust out some ‘you lose your important committee seat’ but look at it (along with other ‘tricks’), the Republitards just lost their majority along with those positions of power less than 8 months ago…they don’t give a fuck now. So the only way for the Democrats to court them is by asking to help pass their bullshit agenda in exchange for votes on mission-critical bills.

Well, no Republican Senator wants to go home to Kansas and say, “hey, vote for me. In this last year I passed a 1% tax break on mountain dew…I know how you fat fucks love caffeine”. (He’d still probably win on that alone) No, instead they’ll sit on their hands and watch the American public twist in the wind while their Democrat opponents fight to get out the message that ‘it’s not our fault.

Ultimately, in Congress, it won’t matter. Dems will get more seats because most voters don’t know a fuck about Congress so just vote to vote. Since the Bush administration has sucked so badly, they’ll naturally vote for a Democratic Congressperson/Senator, but that won’t be the case in the presidential race.
No, the Presidential race will be a far different creature. This is Rove at his best…we should all be afraid. Before we get to that…

The Bush Administration has significantly hurt their party through bad policy, ignorance, and living in a shroud of darkness. Yet, this is nothing compared to the truly criminal activities that we know nothing of. It is these secrets that, if revealed, would bring the Republican Party crashing to their knees.

No-bid contracts are a motherfucker on their own. (Giving a single, politically allied company government funded contracts [like all of Iraq], effectively shutting out any competition) The things that the administration is keeping a super-tight hold on now are things many will take to their graves. This is how politics has always worked (look at JFK or Watergate), but never at such a detriment to our own citizens. There is not a single doubt in my mind, gazing quietly from outside the dark secrets that live exclusively in that grey matter shared between Cheney and Rove, that crimes rarely imagined have occurred.

How can I feel so strongly about something I, along with many others, simply cannot prove…yet? The Gonzalez affair is a good place to start. How could any Republican administration believe it to be in the party’s interest to maintain complete confidence in a man in charge of our American legal system…after breaking the law? It would seem pretty simple to let that ‘crook’ resign and distance yourself as thoroughly as politically possible. No, there are dirty little secrets that would come out if the administration lowered its ‘executive privilege’. These would hurt the party worse than just being the ‘asshole in charge’.

Now I find it hard to believe that this investigation (Gonzalez-gate) could act as the window to the real dirty secrets of the administration. I think this is simply an easy façade; “hey hate us for this, no need to dig deeper…if you do, you’re soul-sucking assholes”. They ride the Gonzalez train for awhile, he steps down, investigation fizzles with a few nasty incitements. Then the newly installed attorney general lets things smooth over quietly (see: Scooter Libby) thus appeasing the push for congressional oversight while saving face with party loyalist. This is MUCH BETTER than allowing the time required for Congress to grow balls and get the big criminal picture. And it is there but we won’t ever know -- that’s the magic of information management. It’s easy to believe that those who have the message are supposed to have the message…not a single other soul. (here’s another gut buster: things are leaked for reason…)

Today Rove announced his departure. For both sides it makes sense to distance themselves. Rove lost 2006 (apparently fucked up policy and worthless boy fuckers don’t matter much in the end) so party insiders wanted him out of this seat of influence. This is again simple posturing because once he’s out of the lime he’s back in the driver’s seat and all party insiders know this. It gives him a chance to abandon the sinking ship while his mind is still sharp (read: blatantly self-serving and perhaps schizophrenic). More so than anything this shields him further from any testimony that may go further than this attorney firin’. He can now operate behind closed doors and use his RNC email account all he likes.

Rove has another big idea but this time he’s thinking way outside the box. That is until a few months from now when the pieces I’ll describe in a bit all start falling together. I do say ‘well played’, turd blossom. The left is onto you though, better throw us another curve.

(an aside)

I think most of you who are politically active know this asshole (Bush) is a worthless human being. Good, you’re halfway there. Still, I think there is a big difference between being politically ‘active’ and actually knowing what the fuck is happening. So, before you discount me as some conspiracy theorists, go fuck yourself. (in the words of the soon-to-be-late Cheney). No, actually, I’m politically obsessed and I try my best to get outside the pretty snapshot that any party insider would deliver us in a neatly wrapped package.

Most people I know who ‘talk politics’ honestly do spend enough time reading the news and blogs to have enough clue to what’s going down to participate in political discourse. Yet, to me, most of you (no offense) are the same sheeple that blindly follow the same strain of bullshit that everyone else does. You’re just better because you put a little active interpretation into it, perhaps ask questions of the news you read, but that’s just about it. Fewer of you take information and cleanse it with a mental filter of wide-reaching media consumption and simple primary research (You do know, the same files that are available to journalists are available to you).
I think I fall under the later. Even so, the backdoor of information gets closed to the public in quantities beyond the furthest reaches of academic conquest. These people don’t leave paper or money trails (history repeats itself unless you learn from it *cough* Watergate). Sometimes you have to look at one’s actions to interpret their others. Why block Gonzalez information? Why use loopholes? Think harder.
(aside done, sorry for being so broadly offensive. Still, most of you don’t give a fuck about this country or the direction it’s heading. Keep those terrorists out, drink a Coors light, and fuck up the furniture you sit on…you god. damn. patriot. fat. fuck.

[sorry. I hate people who are granted talking licenses without ever considering how shit works before fucking it up worst. FUCK]

{2nd aside done}

Ok, you get the idea. I’m suspicious.

Today I was watching me some Wolf Blitzy and I saw Mitt Romney and it sparked a memory from the night before…I’ll layout the setting.

It was a good friend’s 27th birthday. I’m taking an extended break from drinking (school begins again soon…yeah…that’s it) so I’m watching all my buddies get fuck up. We’re all career academics so naturally politics will come up. One of the regulars has great ‘sheeple’ opinions: Properly liberal for the right reasons, but completely irrelevant in policy and political science. Fortunately, part of being an academic is sounding good and believing strongly in whatever that is you believe in – this she has accomplished.

We come along to the topic of Mitt Romney and one girl puts her fist down and says that she would not vote for a Mormon. It was repeated a few times. I don’t believe she’s actively religious but I may be wrong. I think she’s one of the rare anti-Romney’s who don’t like him because Mormons are actually more actively conservative than many evangelical (vs. the majority of ‘christians’ who hate on Romney believing the Mormon faith is sinful in its perversion and biblical deviation). Regardless, it brings about an interesting theory.

I don’t think I’m unique on theory; I’m quite sure it’s been spread around the so called ‘super-far left’. There are just as many nuts as are over on the right side…but less people pay attention to them. Hell, the Republicans have their biggest right-wing fat fucking kunt (I’m aware) on nearly every radio station in the nation…Limbaugh if you’re ignorant. We just have crap bloggers and the silent scientific community.

I will begin (haha in awhile)

So on the surface we can interpret that The Bush administration is hiding big things. These things are just a few layers under the surface. Deep enough that riding the Gonzalez thing for awhile will keep it hidden yet close enough to the surface to force amazing feats of political action and technique throughout the Republican Party. Look at it, they’ve found it MORE PROFITTABLE to hurt their own party than allow the next investigation to begin.

This is putting a serious hurt on the Republican’s base, specifically the moral majority. Christian voters are some of the most pointless, quietly power-hungry mother fuckers out there. They vote for republican candidates so their moral movements can gain political ground. That sounds ok, eh? Well no, you’re dumb. Western religions are a big business, they make a lot of money, and they execute extraordinary public power. Throw in the fact that those who actively participate in religious activity aren’t exactly keen to developing their own opinions so instead they follow the flock. You get a definite pool of 50 to 100 voters in a perish for whatever direction will ‘profit’ the church the greatest.

This profit comes in the form of tax breaks, federal monies for religious activities, active participation in political discourse and direction, and the all the attention one can muster for ol’ jesus. One of those ‘you rub my back, I rub yours’ sort of thing. They deliver the votes, they reap the benefits. We should be thankful Jesus teaches us to be so capitalistic.

So now Christians are shying away from Bush because he’s unpopular, he has little control over his party, and their criminal activity is calling to question the morality of this asshat…at least for the ones who aren’t just making money off him. They are disillusioned. They probably won’t vote in the primary. They obviously can’t vote for Dems but aren’t inspired to vote for a republican. That is, of course, unless they have an ace up their sleeve.

Let’s look at serious republican candidates (as satirically as I can): Rudy Giuliani hates marriage, thinks everyone should get abortions, loves immigrants -- but can shout 9/11 like a rock anthem; Mitt Romney is a Mormon, dumb women think he’s pretty and he speaks with some authority -- but he’s an ex-liberal New England governor and… sound it out: m o r m a n; McCain – dead in the water (for now); and the rest are relatively worthless.

Giuliani has attempted to reform his image, changing his stance on issues that’d push him away from the religious right and continuing to shout 9/11. This won’t hold up for them though. 9/11 has a nice ring but he kills babies with coat hangers. McCain won’t do, he’s too much like the self-destructing Bush. You’ll see, this theory is big…and it’s got to be if they want this white house. You may as well vote for a morman…

Finally:

Romney has been planted by the Republican Party, specifically Karl Rove. This has been in motion for years. The deep decisions about this year’s election were decided during the Kerry/Bush election. (Anyone who knows anything about corporate sustainability should see what’s happening here). They either courted Romney or just know better than to believe a Mormon could win and let him just do it on his own. So why plant Romney? Won’t that just disillusion the Christians?
HELL NO! Those knee-slapping bible totters will not allow this polygamist to have his 5 first ladies in the oval office. So Rove plants Romney foreseeing this. They exercise seemingly random political fodder and posturing so the race looks to be in the hands of the people. Then they twist a few nipples and all of a sudden Romney becomes a rather worthy force with lots of personal and donator money. He looks presidential but doesn’t fit just right. He can’t get the moral majority to rally behind them and they simply don’t operate when split. For now, they’re ignored.
They don’t like this, they remain disillusioned. They don’t plan to vote for the Primaries with these choices and that means they probably won’t vote in their (2000/04) numbers in the general.

Late breaking news: In walks a new guy…the GOP’s Clinton, if you will. Who is it? Well we have two very likely possibilities one of which could put a bad hurtin’ on Democrat chances (more on that in a bit). The first is candidate-elect Fred Thompson. He’s popular, he’s moral, he’s on TV, and he’s planted. This is someone the right-wingers could gather behind rather comfortably.

Christians see Thompson come in and now they have a viable candidate, who doesn’t kill babies or blindly follow criminals (bush admin) who can defeat that there polygamist. They rally behind him during the primary…and if you can rile a group up for the primaries…they’ll follow into the general. They have their church socials where they make Law and Order cakes and huff and puff about the next Ronald Reagan.

Fortunately progressive insiders know Thompson isn’t the next Reagan. His udder lack of substantive policy will make him an easy target in the general. Much like they want to face Clinton…we’d love to take on Thompson. Rove knows this more than anyone.
So who will gracefully fall into the race? The Clinton Killer Himself, Cletus Calls him the Southern Dannndddyyyy, and even the libertarians liked the one week without a federal government – Newt Gingrich. That worthless fuck has quietly said that if the party doesn’t pan out policy wise (IE…the religious right needs a few more weeks to stew) then he’ll step in to the race. Well no fucking crap he would. He’s loved up and down by those worthless fucks much the same way Bill Clinton is loved blindly by a lot of libs.

The church watches Gingrich’s entrance to the race and that night each minister, busily having a gay affair and doing meth, will get a visit from Jesus himself. ‘It’s time to inspire’, Jesus will begin, ‘do it for Farwell and do it for me.’ Easy as that Gingrich gets the Iowa vote and it’s smooth sailing from there. But after all their work in the primary it’d be foolish for the church to back off even though their boy is now in the big race. Of course not…now the entire party is united behind one jackass and BAM…Rove once again rises in political infamy.

This is all a big plan. All the pieces fit. Rove remains at the center. And the Religious Right will facilitate.

I’m A Sucker For Sanity-Induced Political Suicide.

Okay, kiddies, Pop Quiz.

Which of the following candidates are not going to get elected:

a. Hillary Clinton [RD-ouche].
b. Barack Obama [D-on'tcallmewhite, bitch].
c. Mike Gravel [D-amninghimselfbymakingsense].

/I'll give you a hint, it's not [a]
//dammit

Owned.

Here's a story my buddy sent me.

Link^.

Boom! Owned, bitch!

Today's Fascist Non-Smoker Moment Brought To You By My Cigarette Money.

I was standing in line for a tasty burrito at Chipotle today … well, mostly because it’s right around the corner from my house and I’m too lazy to wash dishes / cook.

I get up to the cashier and pull my wallet out of my back pocket.

My burrito cost around six dollars, so I pulled six dollars out of my wallet right before the cashier bagged my food … fuck it, I had the munchies, you know? Every second until I get home and pull that delectable dish out of the paper bag is torture beyond torture.

I look at my five dollar bill I pulled out, and it has some red ink stamped on it. Normally, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, since there’s been a currency-tracking project called Where’s George that I’ve seen stamped on bills for years.

But it was red ink instead of black, so I took a second look.

Here’s what I saw:

Oh yeah, well while we’re going juvenile in terms of insulting entire groups of people, you’re probably fat from cramming cheeseburgers down your fat craw, and you probably live alone at home with ten cats. You’re a pig, and a fucker, you fucking pigfucker.
Your momma’s so fat …

You know what? Just to spite you, I’m going to go to the store now to buy a pack of cigarettes with your little “protest stamp.”

/by the way, I don’t know if this is true or not, but …

//isn’t it a federal crime to deface currency?

///there’s no hate like fascist non-smoker hate.

The 2x4

Note: This account of the incident is rather hazy. I will describe what happened, but as a warning, I was quite baked and a bit tipsy from a pitcher and a couple of shots (although not blackout drunk) … I've heard several other competing perceptions of what I'm about to describe, but they were all, to be modest, a little bit more fuckered up than I was at the time.

I was at this bar up the street.

Me and a buddy of mine were playing a bit of pool, shootin' the shit and Doing Whatever for a little while.

Who won, who lost … who knows.

I don't remember. It's only a highly addictive, geometrically played and kinetically paved pointless, yet satisfying, waste of my time and energy … kind of like PCP and AA.

So I walked home after the "fuck you"s and "you still suck, you dumb fucking twatwaffle"s were exchanged and ways parted; a couple of the neighbors were being drunk in their front yard as all of my neighbors do. Coors and Miller should sponsor my neighborhood … we drink enough beer around here nightly to pay every employees' health insurance bill.

Shit, seriously, on the block where I live, if you shot a random neighbor in the liver with an M-4, it would not only stop, but also absorb, the bullet and they would take another shot of Jose while laughing about how your pussy ass didn't have the balls to shoot them in the face.

They were both quite hammered by sledgehammers.

Well, that's a bit of an understatement.

Neighbor1 is stumbling all over the yard. In fact, I have a friend we call Sticks, who has Cerebral Palsy, who can walk better after having his legs run over by a truck than this kid. No lie, he can walk, just severely bowlegged, and he needs support to do so.

Neighbor2 is sitting there laughing at his [arguably] fortunate pal doing the best he can to find what was once his Center Of Gravity.

I say hey, and it begins.

"Hit me," Neighbor1 says, with a slur in his voice that would make Ernest Hemingway tell him to get his ass into rehab.

"No," I said.

"Come on, you some kind of pussy or something?" Neighbor1 says. "Fucking hit me, you fucking pussy."

"I'm not going to hit you," I said.

"Why?" He inquires with a slightly angry tone. "FUCKING HIT ME, YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!"

This went on for a good five or ten minutes. I was quite sober at the time, and, had I not practiced my non-violent tendencies toward interaction with my fellow homo sapiens, I would have seriously hurt this kid.

I am not a fighter. I hate to hurt people [physically]. In fact, I've lost just about every fight I've ever been in, and I really have no muscle.

But had I decided to actually grant his wishes that we get into the Fisticuffs Stage, he'd probably be in the hospital.

He's much smaller than me, and severely disadvantaged by the fact that he's [a] more shitfaced than an Asian hooker doing scat porn and [b] much smaller than me. Yeah, some assholes have Beer Muscles, but having them requires the Superhero Ability of being able to, say, walk in a straight line or stand up for more than 30.14853 seconds independently.

So he decides in his Non-Existent State Of Mind that, since I refuse to put a few nice cracks in his jaw peacefully, he must do something that will piss me off enough to actually hit him.

I have no idea why drunk-ass people get this urge to have possibly life-long debilitating damage done to them for no reason, and not even over no material or pussy-related matter where one party violated the other party, but that urge is unstoppable. Like, Iraqi Insurgent unstoppable.

Think about a fat motherfucker's urge to eat half his weight every day and not even get off his ass to get the newspaper, and I'll bet you know what I mean. Although I don't usually exhibit this class of inebriated behavior after one more than a bunch too many, Some People do.

After all, not everybody sees the same thing off of the same acid.

I guess there's been work done on their house lately, because there's this nice pile of 2x4's within reach of drunk-as-fuck Neighbor1. He picks one up, and he fucking swings it at me.

Although not hard enough.

Being the jumpy, paranoid motherfucker I am, I grabbed it way before it connected.

Now, I wanted to give him a warning. So, with the 2x4 attached to him, and now in my hand, I gave him a nice warning tap.

Not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to hopefully deter him from going on further with this silliness.

We talk for a second, and *WHAP!* … he cracks me in the side of the fucking head with it.

I don't really remember what happened next, but apparently we fought over who controlled the 2x4 for a little while, but no real violence ensued.

My head's been throbbing since that happened. I woke up the next day feeling like midgets who were small enough to fit inside of my brain were playing that carnival strength-test where one has a hammer and tries to ring the bell by slamming a lever with said hammer.

The bruise wasn't visible, it was covered by my hair, but every time I felt it I felt like I was pushing down a Battered Flesh Pillow.

He apologized to me the next day, saying "I'm sorry … I was a drunk son of a bitch … I'm the shit and trash of the world now … etc."

And I said, "No worries.

"Just wait, I'm going to get my revenge. You won't know where, you won't know when and you won't know how.

"But it is going to suck," I said. "You hit me in my fucking head with a fucking 2x4, you son of a bitch."

I'm thinking of a little spiking of his beer with some Tobasco Sauce some night.

Or maybe some fiberglass powder on his bed some night he's about to get laid.

/any suggestions?

Dear Abby: You're Obsolete. Part III[d]: FTFY

Originally, I said that there are merely four species of the "Dear Abby" dumbassed letter-writer.

I stand corrected; there are actually five known to modern psychosociological science. I forgot the last category, detailed below.

Anybody in the hard or social sciences knows that many experiments, whether performed Double-Blind, or Controlled, can always be missing some category, detail, option, characteristic or another.

Well, when I first started writing this, I forgot about this one, which may or may not have fucked with my "research."

Just Plain, Diet-Vanilla With White-Milk Sprinkles, Independent Candidate [since we all know by now that smart people have the survival skill of staying far the fuck away from politics] Dumb:

DEAR [CR]ABBY: I have had four years of really bad luck. Is there a proven method to end this streak? How is it that some folks are lucky at almost everything they do, and then there is someone like me who could really use some good luck? Any suggestions? If positive thinking is your answer, please explain that concept. -- CONNIE IN COLORADO SPRINGS

DEAR CONNIE: There is a theory that positive thinking attracts positive results. In other words, if you approach each day with an optimistic attitude, you will become more energetic, clearer in your thought process and nicer to be around. (More people around you creates more opportunities for success.)

Conversely, negative thinking can cause negative results. People who think negatively walk around with a black cloud over their heads, and people tend to avoid them. They can also become so burdened with their depression that they fail to recognize and take advantage of opportunities that come their way.

In this wonderful age of science, if you still believe in superstitions such as "bad luck," Big-Foot, Alien Abduction and Free Speech, I would strongly suggest removing yourself from society via sky-diving without a parachute in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

DEAR [FL]ABBY: I have a 25-year-old sister, "Sheila," who has three beautiful children. The problem is, she does not care about herself, her kids or her family.

My mother has raised Sheila's oldest off and on since he was 8 months old. He is now 9. Sheila constantly yells, "I can't stand him! He makes me sick!" She has even gone so far as telling the boy she hates him. I have tried telling her that he is only a child. I tell her God blessed her with the ability to have children, and she should be thankful she has them. She just tunes me out.

Add to that the fact that Sheila beats our mother at times. Our stepdad died last year, and a week after the funeral my sister came in and beat up Mother.

I don't know what's going on, and the family is scared to confront her anymore because she gets really mean. Any help would be appreciated. -- CONCERNED SISTER IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CONCERNED SISTER: Sheila could be mentally ill, drug-addicted or a rage-a-holic. If she would raise a hand to her mother, what might she be doing to her children? From your description of your sister's state of mind, it is possible that all the children should be removed from the home. Child Protective Services can make a determination. And if she raises a hand to your mother one more time, the police should be summoned immediately.

First of all, there's a wonderful number you can call. It's called 9-1-1. Do I need to repeat that slowly since you obviously are going to fuck up three numbers?

9.

1.

1.

There you go, the solution to all of your problems. Grow some balls, call the police, and then ... when she assaults them and ends up at the business end of a tazer and nightstick, well, problem solved. You sound like your family is fully of defective pussies, by the way, so why don't you just turn off that Carbon Monoxide detector and blow out all of your pilot lights [furnace included].

DEAR [G]ABBY: I am 17 years old and believe I am suffering from chronic depression. I am very emotional and cry a lot. I get good grades, and people say I'm a great baby sitter, but I feel that I'm not good at anything else.

My younger sister, who is 15, is very outgoing and has a lot of friends. I have only a few, so I get jealous.

Now I have started gaining weight to the point that I am no longer "skinny."

About four months ago, my best friend of two years and I stopped getting along, and we haven't spoken since.

I have had counseling for two years. I go every three months, but nothing is changing. Both my parents feel that it is a waste of money. I try to talk to them sometimes, but they just take it as a joke. I am confused about everything, and I am so lonely. Do you have any advice? -- HURTING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HURTING: Yes, I do. Depression, increasing isolation and low self-esteem are problems that require counseling on a more regular basis than every three months, and possible medication in addition. If the person you are seeing hasn't recognized that the sessions haven't helped you, then it's time for another evaluation with another therapist. Please show this to your parents and tell them the letter was written by you. You need more help than I can give you in a letter.

So you're so freakin' dense that you haven't realized that nobody loves you? And that you have obviously no chance in the world since you're ugly, fat and probably some kind of fairy? And you don't realize that nobody would miss you when you were gone until they used up the life-insurance fund after you painted the den with your gray-matter? Well, I'm happy to inform you that there's a gun store, probably five blocks from your house, and they're fairly lenient on background / mental health checks. I suggest you pay them a visit. Oh yeah, and your friend hates you ... something about being a whiny douche.

p.s., I hear that bulimia is awesome. Why not give it a try and tell all of your friends how cool you are … that will quell any concerns that you might be a douchebag right-quick.

DEAR ABBY: I recently ended a nine-month relationship with a 40-year-old man I'll call Shallow Hal. I was head over heels in love with him. We had a lot in common and our personalities were compatible, but there was one major problem. Hal loved everything about me, but his love for me was contingent upon my losing weight.

Hal told me that when I lost weight, he would treat me better, let me meet his family and introduce me to his friends. Until I did, he denied me all those things, including hugs and kisses. For nine months Hal strung me along, and I believed that losing weight would change everything and we would end up together, happily ever after.

I am currently working on my master's in counseling psychology, and I should have known better. Clearly, Hal did not accept me for who I was, and I should have ended the relationship long ago because he was not into me. Some days he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married and have kids; other days he did. He was definitely unstable.

Why did I put up with this when I was the one who did all the driving to his house and all the courting? And how do I keep all this from replaying in my mind? I hear his weight comments over and over, and it's self-destructive, but I can't seem to let it go. Why do so many women like me waste so much time on men who simply don't care? The worst part is, I still love him. Please advise me. -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST CHESTER, PA.

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: What you have described sounds more like obsession than love. You, like many other women, could not resist the challenge of "winning" a man who was unwinnable. By remaining one step out of reach, he stays in control. The woman gives and gives and gives, hoping that by giving just a little bit more she can "make" the man love her. It's a mating dance that doesn't end until the woman either wises up or collapses from emotional fatigue.

A way to erase those old tapes from your mind would be to consciously remind yourself why the comments were made. If that doesn't do the trick, then talk to a therapist. What you think of yourself is far more important than what Shallow Hal thought of you.

I hear that people like you find a lot of comfort from the ice-cream isle. I also hear that sumo-whale porn is hot right now among those sexual festishists who are afraid of lipo and people who aren't a major drain on our health-care system. You know what else? I hear that bacon and vanilla ice cream go together very nicely, and that they might induce a heart attack. Why not give it a try? Exercise is overrated. Oh yeah, and if you don't have the balls to off yourself [as you should so society can go on without major pollutants such as yourself and your 16 cats], well, hell, there's always diabetes to look forward to. Your old boyfriend was totally right, you're too fat to live, learn about wonderful inventions called "sit-ups" and a "gym," and you might get laid again.

But I doubt it. You fatass tool. Go choke on a spam sandwich.

/The Aristocrats!