Dear Abby: You're Obsolete. Part III[b]: FTFY

Now, I hate to punch a below-the-belt point, but, if you're writing some random bitch with totalitarian theistic "if you don't please even the people you want to secretly murder and bury in the backyard don't do it because jesus will get pissed" values for "advice" on how to "raise your kids or grandkids," well, you're merely backing up my theory that we need to neuter everybody until they pass some kind of competency test (now, not equivalent to the ACT; we don't want to go extinct).

What the fuck ever happened to the smack-'n-shut-the-fuck-up?

I got that, and I'm, well, a little less fucked up than most "normal" people. Right?

Right?

DEAR [CR]ABBY: We have a 17-year-old granddaughter who has not spoken to us in six months. We sent "Tiffany" a Christmas card with a $50 check inside and she didn't even call to thank us. (She cashed the check immediately, though.)

We received an invitation to her graduation. It was sent by her mother (I know the handwriting). My husband says we should not go to her graduation because she hasn't called us in six months, even to say hello. He says we should just send a nice card with no money.

Please help me. What should I do? Tiffany is my grand-daughter, and I don't want to do the wrong thing. (She does have an attitude!) -- FAITHFUL READER IN NASHVILLE

DEAR FAITHFUL READER: If you think Tiffany has an attitude now, just wait until she doesn't receive what she thinks is coming to her.

While it is not unusual for many people her age to be centered on themselves and not stay in touch with a visit or a phone call, your granddaughter was rude not to acknowledge the money you sent her for Christmas. What you choose to do about this, in addition to telling her mother, will depend upon how much backbone you have. I'll say this: If you do not attend the graduation, it's a lesson she'll remember for the rest of her life.

First of all, you don't need a hyphen for "granddaughter;" either learn English or get the fuck out. Educated people, even in the 1700's or whatever the fuck time period you came from, learned to actually speak the language before sending bullshit to some random old lady he or she didn't even know.

You know, honestly, the only answer I can think of for you is quit being such a cry-baby little bitch and kill your granddaughter. Like, fuck that little ungrateful bitch; what you need to do is invite her to come to your next barbecue or charity meet or whatever the fuck you rotting baby boomers do.

The next thing you need to do is tell her that you need help lifting that lawnmower out of the shed to (the weak, dependant gene-pool-pollution that you are) mow the lawn. Instruct the little bitch to go in there first. Then, when she least expects it, whip out one of your oversized, "easy-to-open-for-retarded-old-people" prescription bottles, and club the little bitch in the back of the head until she shits all of that vicoden she's been stealing and ingesting, via suppository, for months.

Oh yeah, don't forget to rape her corpse without a condom. Since all you know is that DNA evidence is one o' 'dem "flapper tricks.

Don't worry, no jail will be involved. You're old. And convicted multiple murderers accept old pedo-necrophiliacs in jail like pounded-letters-on-a-license-plate; but, only if your Alzheimer's ass gets allusionary references better than you can remember who your family members are.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently had a baby boy. Mother and baby are doing fine, but the problem is the sonogram during pregnancy showed a baby girl, according to the doctor. So now our grandson has a slew of pink blankets, jammies and clothes given by friends before little Jack was born. I say, no big deal.

My wife says it is a big deal. No way a boy should be dressed in pink. She's worried the color will give the wrong message to people, who will then treat our grandson like a girl in a way they won't even be aware of, even though they're told he's a boy. She worries that this will somehow make him a cross-dresser when he's grown up and make him gay.

Our daughter and son-in-law are in a quandary, too, over the pink clothes. What do you think? -- JACK'S GRANDPA IN GUERNEVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR GRANDPA: As long as the baby gifts have not been used, there should be no problem exchanging them for items in the "right" color.

However, please tell your wife that her fears are groundless. Even if her grandson decides to become a cross-dresser later in life -- which, by the way is NOT related to what color clothes a man wore as a baby -- it won't make him gay. The majority of cross-dressers are heterosexual.

Just because you dressed your "son," (if that's what you like to call him ... if I had a gay son, he'd be my "bitch with a dick who sings show-tunes") in pink blankets, sweaters, strollers, cribs, whatever, doesn't mean that he won't grow up to be able to suck the meanest dick in the world.

I mean, I'm talking sucking dick like George Bush can singlehandedly fist-fuck our economy like The Thing. The occupation liberation of Iraq and all of its batshit fucking crazy god Allah-fearing crazies adherents wouldn't have shit on your kid like he can suck dick now, because you're a failure of a parent and allowed him to wear pink.

Kill yourself. Just please. Get. The. Fuck. Out of. My. Gene. Pool.

/or at least stop pissing in it.

DEAR ABBY: I was visiting a local shopping center and was dismayed to notice that the car parked next to mine had a baby seat in the back -- complete with an actual live baby.

My first instinct was to immediately call the police. However, it was a mild day and partially overcast, and the moderate conditions made me hesitate for fear of being a "busybody." A day later, I'm still second-guessing myself. So I ask you, did I do the right thing by not sticking my nose in, or was it my responsibility to have alerted the authorities? -- INDECISIVE IN SAN MATEO

DEAR INDECISIVE: Unless you were prepared to stay by the vehicle until that foolish, neglectful parent returned, you should have called the police. Leaving a baby alone in a parking lot, regardless of how mild the weather was, is against the law. In some states, there are also laws against leaving pets in parked cars.

So, what I'm getting from you're petty, infinitesimal little problem is that you saw a baby in a slowly heating-up car and you felt a little bit of that communistic emotion, commonly referred to by hippies and therapists as "empathy."

Not only that, but you just passed up a perfectly slow-roasted, better-than-Arby's sandwich for free. What the fuck? I mean, if some dumb bitch left her kid in a 120 degree car so she could buy People Magazine and baby-sized plastic bags at Wal-Mart, and you passed up a perfectly good, slow-roasted, infantile meal, YOU HATE AMERICA!

Like the "authorities" were going to do fuck. Where the fuck do you think we live? FantasyLand? Where Cops take the baby precedent over that shifty-looking brown motherfucker who is obviously planning to kill us all with thousands of pounds of C4 and a good dose of Allah?

I repeat. If you care more about a baby in a hot care than every Muslum potential-sucicide-bomber-who-hates-your-freedom-and-invisible-sky-wizard, you are obviously an abortionist and pagan. If you live in America, you are Mexican. Get the fuck out.