Dear Abby: You're Obsolete. Part II: You Cause My Alcoholism

Dear Abby, You’re obsolete. Part II: You Make Me Drink Into A Stupor Every Night.

I decided to be like every other dumb fuck out there who cannot make his or her own

either mundane, inane or completely obvious decisions about some life issue or another without first writing an anonymous letter to some asshole they’ve never met in order to validate an action or decision that many of us with an above zero-degree

It is my humble opinion that you need to just stop. There are many other writers, and
even “advice columnists,” who deserve that space more than you, or your predecessor, ever did. The Victorian Era ended what, like over 125 years ago, which renders you, and your “advice,” as obsolete as organized religion’s role as a primary source of social stability control.
Just shut the fuck up and find more useful things to do [such as making me a delicious plate of brownies and bringing me another beer] … please. --”Living In A Perpetual Rerun” in K-town.

“Dear Abby” is the epitome of sub-average syndicated mass-packaged optical literary pollution that I can’t believe a modern, educated society needs in existence; it wastes so much space that I’d rather stare at a fucking advertisement [remember the comic strip thing] guaranteeing me 40 percent off of my next mattress purchase or car down payment or dildo rental or whatever than read it. But for some reason -- I can’t look away.

I feel compelled … addicted, even.

Dependant on my daily dose of dumbassary, I still read it, day after day; “Abby” has me hooked on her? Captain Obvious responses to form letters.

Seriously, it’s a strong dose.

The speedball [note: that would be cocaine and heroin taken at the same time, for those of you not “hip” to drug slang] has nothing on “Dear Abby.”
Straight-up, mountaineer moonshine?

Nah.

Hmm … how about cocaine?

Not even close.

Methamphetimine and Filipino hookers?

Please.

If Fark.com, Digg.com and Faux News were to combine forces someday in an attempt to create a Dumbass Vortex that would swallow mankind and tear a vortex into the space-time continuum, this column already came, saw and conquered.
I almost question if these are real … they seem to follow an almost exact formula, depending on the “problem.”

It’s almost like we transmit Stupid to each other in the same form, telepathically, without realizing it … as soon as one dumbass “solves” his or her “problem” in one part of the country, some other idiot [who obviously just writes these letters and never actually reads the goddamn column] writes about the exact same fucking letter.
… To Be Continued …