Clubbing Baby Seals Is My Dream Job.

By: Some Procrastinating Journalism Student

I decided something today. I don't want to be a journalist anymore.

All that hustle and bustle. Having to talk to people all the time, write obituaries or chase E.M.S. radio calls.

Having to bend to the will of advertisers.

No, I have a new dream, and it will benefit mankind more than having to report on "scandals," cat shows, raped and kidnapped kids, dismembered bag ladies and American Idol:

...die motherfucker die motherfucker DIE!!

I mean, I would be doing a bunch of great things.

Like clothing eskimos.

Making candles for hippies.

Curbing overpopulation.

Getting offGetting rich.

And people don't understand how anyone could kill a poor, innocent baby seal. All of the people with the unshaven armpits and nasty feet smell say that it's inhumane.

And I say, hey. Don't you care about your fellow man? I mean, in some places in the world it is cold.

You say "inhumane" to clubbing baby seals, but at the same time you say that letting an eskimo freeze to death is fine and dandy?

I would be a hero to these people. A god. They would build me pyramids and sacrifice virgins to avoid my wrath by throwing them to the polar bears.

I would get to sleep with their wives, and eat their roasted penguins. While drinking the blood of these adorable baby seals, fermenting it to make wine. While wearing a PETA t-shirt.

Every time you don't club a baby seal, there's a genocide.

P.S.: Just for spite, I got these images that I Photoshopped from "save the animals" Web sites. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! sucks in air. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!